ON SUICIDE

Suicide takes more courage than one might expect. There’s a presumption that quitting on life is throwing your hands up and terminating yourself on a whim. Underlying this belief is that those who are suicidal could not cope with life’s ups and downs. You’re one of the unique few who gave up, not just during the trial of your life, but in the fact of life.

I disagree. I’ve walked along this edge of death more times than I care to admit. My life’s ups and downs have been hard to navigate.  I’ve lost everything – more than once. What’s everything? Jobs, family, friends, hope. What do YOU do when you’ve lost hope? I know what I do – turn my back on life. Risk it. And, sometimes, try to snuff it out to kill the pain.

One reason I am still alive is that I’ve failed to seal the deal. How do you successfully terminate your life? It’s rather easy – there are a million ways to die. But when you’re hurt inside, and you’re scared, and you’re unsure, taking the final step in your life is one of the most difficult endeavors. It’s one of the most arduous voyages I have ever embarked on. I’m no stranger to success, ironically. In fact, it is the meteoric fall from success that most often drives me to the brink of life. It’s curious to me, then, why I have failed so far to end what I perceive as a painful journey to nowhere: Life. I haven’t had the courage. It takes more than commitment to terminate life before it is ready. It takes a willingness to give up the soul – the only awareness available to you.

My apologies to those who have lost loved ones to suicide. How excruciating the pain of loss and absence must be. I write to you as much as I write to the souls wavering on their commitment to life. Bringing forth the end is not driven by cowardice or lack of fortitude. To me, someone who has wanted to end life and been unable to do it, suicide is a powerful reclamation of an experience that has, for too long, squeezed out every iota of joy or happiness or self-love the soul can muster. There is dignity in death by your own hand. The shame I feel to have failed in suicide – let that be a clarion call to all those who pass judgment.

I failed because I was scared to end my awareness. I’m not unlike those who withstand abuse, too scared to fight back; or those who hang on while incarcerated, crippled and maimed, or spurned and ostracized, persisting because it’s harder to disconnect with life than to remain plugged into their despair and disarray. I’ve been scared to life, if you will. I do not advocate suicide. I do not cling to life either. I merely can’t disown it.

I haven’t been strong enough. Those who have had the courage deserve more consideration for their strength than the living give them. We say to the dead, “May you rest in power.” The successful, long-living leaders among us are not the only ones who have taken life by the reins. These folks will let death happen to them.

Those who commit suicide, on the other hand, happen to death.